Relationship Advice

I won't be discouraged by the things that have caused me some types of trouble in my life. Now there are plenty of reasons to be in relationships, as well as reasons why a person may decide to end a current relationship. There are those who appear not to take relationships not very seriously, and despite me not agreeing with that crowd, I realize that ultimately you cannot control the other person. Marriage has surely been a lesson in the school of life, and it is a serious and substantial part of not only my life but as well as plenty of other people's.

Sacraficing my own sense of shame seems to be the only choice sometimes, because marriage is not easy. The times that it is good make it all the better, but it is work.

Money

As I read my last post I think that anyone reading it may believe that I only value money in life. Maybe further explanation is needed because upon working backwards from what I have previously stated, I do believe certain things and have opionions of my own. I do belive that other people are the ones judging man because of material posessions and find it hard to see to eye to eye with my fellow man.

Maybe judging me because I have an attitude and often carry a shitty attitude is easy. But for the most part, you as a judge are right! Cool right? Sitting in front of countless psychiatrists only to lie and show them nothing more that some general confusion, the lies about the things that take place in my head are strictly my business. Only now do I get to say that there are things that I have hidden from reality that everyone else sees only for my own "benefit." It is laughable. I am financially burdened among other "setbacks" and could hardly provide reasons as to my little life that is in desperate need of so much defense. It is sad that the world wants everyting from me, yet attempting to pry into the depths of my brain with doctors and other various forms of trickery only do nothing more than push me back further. Bottom line is I am entitled to information privacy, especially in the areas of medicine. Certain things are just never going to be rationalized or understood because whathas gone down on paper is partially true at best.

Disoriented

There are too many truths in this world. Whether they are created and made true by people, or they are universal, they are truths. Sometimes I feel as humans we are following a higher purpose or looking for something beyond the normal realm or the five senses. I don't believe many people would disagree with me. I wish that we could all agree on truths together, but somehow I believe that is a pradox.

The Force

There is an impenetrable life force behind all of us that despite the urges from our parents, society, governments, etc.; to herd us like a flock with sheep, albeit with good intentions oftentimes, sometimes for whatever reason humans resist. The urge is something that seems to be beneath any intelligence and is raw, primal.

Things are looking up

I pray to God for some sanity. Its not that the confusion with my situation has driven me over the edge and quite literally insane, its everything that makes up that confusion. If it would all just go away that would be ideal. Suicide is not an answer because getting rid of all of those problems would in essence be doing away with myself. These problems are seemingly unavoidable, yet somehow they seem to often bring upon events that nobody would ever want to deal with, especially by choice.

Now if I did in fact have a choice there would be no need to experience what is happening. Some of the the things which have happened to me occured at such a young age that I am indeed no way responsible. The consequences are a series of different, but ultimately related things that I have to deal with. Now if at some point they cease to exist and I live free, I will truly be grateful.

Until next time...

Acceptance

It is still hard to let go some of the things which still cause me pain. Even more disturbing is the fear that I sometimes feel and how getting rid of it is something that will never actually happen in full. Understanding the fear and accepting it as a part of my life has been one challenging and seemingly never ending task.

Listening

It appears that in the daily conversations that I hold with people, finding myself trying to talk over someone is a common occurrence. While it could be my pride trying to get in the way, it is not to go without being said that attempting to be a better listener in just about any conversation could be a foreseeable help at greatly reducing my stress level. People want to talk to me, and even when I "have something to say," I guess it would just be better to shut up and listen.

Credit

There seems to be a large number of people who are taking credit of creative works that are in part largely produced by someone else. This type of trickery is degeading art to a level of a well managed company. Some of the most successful and well known "works" seem to be manipulations of a team of people with one person receiving a majority of the credit.

Mean Streak

Sometimes it sure feels like I am the moat rotten thing on this earth. While I could name several more people who deserve such a title, I do believe that by merely passing judgement I am still only further entrenching myself in this dark state of mind. It must be noted that in this place there is truly no way to see the most faint recognition of light at the end of the tunnel.

Brainwashing, not the paranoid kind.

I seriously feel like I have been brainwashed. The drug use, abuse, condemnation, and everything else that I have dealt with is leaving me feeling once again hopeless and looking for something that is getting to be impossible to find. Now there are many people who may or may not have experienced the same things as I, but what is likely to happen always seems to be some terrible tragedy that I have absolutely no control over. In the event of one of these situations that I have, or may find myself in, there will be even more reasons to doubt my present status.

I can only assume that the only way to describe this in layman’s term as if a person were taking a test where every answer is the right answer. The test would be pointless to almost any logical, clear thinking person. Upon this revelation, one can only see that the world is filled with more people who are at the opposite end of the spectrum. This is a scary thought and even more disturbing then the very situation that I am finding myself in.

Given the amount of time, energy, obsession, and whatever other chunk of mind which has been expended in figuring out this mess only to find myself just as, or more confused, then the beginning has now created a substantial amount of fear in my life. This fear which is now present has little to do with what is considered the real important things in my life, yet somehow I do believe that it has everything to do with those things. I realize that no one single person is going to give me answer that is going to be satisfying. Yet I do realize that when any significant knowledge is passed to me, it seems to do nothing but be a source for more debate and controversy.

Love

I used to believe in love. As a matter of fact I still do. But marriage has shown me something different. What was something I thought I should do is now no longer even important and I feel foolish for ever having beliefs and values in the first place. Love has done nothing but made me look like a fool.

The Rich

We are stuck in a world bound by laws and other unforgiving creations that hold people back from living whatever lives that they had. I'm sure it would be nice to grow up in that top one percent. I grew up middle class and often scoff at the differences that I see now that I am living in areas with cheaper average real estate values. It's funny how I can feel guilty for thinking a certain way, as it's as if I am aware of my own snobbery.

Remember

Every once in a while I remember why I do some of the things I do, and have done some of the things that I have done. The feeling associated with these memories is so strong that it contradicts me feeling low so much that I feel foolish. It is a really strange occurrence that makes perfect sense to me.

Something strange is happening

While the events that sometimes occur can usually be called coincidences, the frequency as to which they are ocurring require them to be called something else. The increase as to which these strange things are happening is a little spooky and make me feel that something big is about to happen.

Capitalism

I don't know if the thinking is a byproduct of living in this type of society, but constantly the questions about obtaining material wealth to escape within a system is a roundabout cycle that will seem to never break until one becomes "rich." Even if this happens, one can lose everything and wind up back at square one. This makes me wonder if it is even possible to be unbound from this thinking, or even more disturbing, what is reality.

Blame

Are we always looking for someone for who we can blame our problems on? I don't even want to ask it as a question because I think deep down we all are.

Never Was

There is some kind of an assumption by these people that my reputation and other essential personality traits are somehow threatened by my "deviant" actions. I figure that if I can take just a few extra minutes out of my day to justify my behaviors they somehow become not necessarily right, rather are understood. I have spent enough time wishing I could be somebody else only to end up realizing that in the end, I can be. A concept that sounds so foolish is in theory actually relatively grounded in reality.

Screams From the Past

The world around us may only be an interpretation of meanings that we have created our-self, or learned from somebody else. In an age of self-help books and mystery novels one might suspect that the people of the common age have lost something that our predecessors left us. While it is difficult to say that even many of the great authors and figures of our day have not influenced in a good way, something still is lacking in one respect. The idea of original thought has been completely obliterated and left out from the works of modern day civilization. It is not something that is easily said and many people may disagree with this opinion. Believing that there is nothing left to say of importance, that our minds are unable to be cultivated any further is absurd.

The age we live in allows for a great ability to transport the messages of the mind to the farthest corners of the globe. The last century has been nothing but technological breakthrough followed by technological advancement. It would definitely be a sad sight for all of the tools that we have developed to end up going to waste. The mediums which enable humans to express nearly any form of thought through countless facets must mean that somebody has something important to say. Allowing ourselves to be content with the next suspense novel that is going to hit the shelves and then burying our minds in anticipation of what is going to happen next in between is killing part of the soul. These are strong opinions most definitely but they couldn't be further form the truth.

The content filling the frames of our televisions portrays lifestyles in a very black and white way. Yet seeing the good side as it is portrayed in movies and television shows somehow leaves one wondering when they might get there. The luxuries that so many people are unable to afford seem all too common in these very films and shows. Denying the beauty as defined by media is just as silly as the effort people place in achieving their goals. Working to support ones self, or a family is not the subject which people might be concerned about. These types of philosophical questions have been examined throughout the ages only to keep society on the same path. Finding what has gone missing in the modern day is rather the question that people should be asking.

The art which is available just about anywhere has become nothing more than another source of income from the very names which we choose from. Somehow this has diluted the expressions that people have sought to make using whatever means possible. It is not possible to say that even this is always the case, as the world is a much smaller place then it was two hundred years ago, or even fifty years ago. With more people, it only seems logical that more of the inner expressions that people call art has become available. But as we see these shows, or hear these songs, we only are infatuated with the women that we see in the background or the possessions which are strategically placed. Marketing has done a great job and interweaving their products into just about everything that people have become blind to it.

Requiring an effort to take back what once made literature so great, what made film, theater, or even music so awesome and awe inspiring is not like flipping on a light switch. If people never knew what they should be looking for in the first place, they would never see anything wrong. Schools and other institutions of education have done their job at exposing young minds to the great thinkers and artists of the ages. It is possible that they have done so great a job that now people are content enough to say that the groundbreaking ideas are just a part of history.

Those who came before us and wrote the very words that have been coveted and held in esteem may not even see anything wrong with the world today. In fact the world today is probably a much better place then previous times with advancements in medicine, and the overall quality of life much better for a much greater number of people. Again, without knowing what to look for their could not be anything that would appear to be missing. Examining the same schools of thought first coined by the great minds which are found in text books over and over, being dissected, cross-examined and looked at every which way just happens to be what fills peoples times in the present.

There is no questioning as to whether the trumping about with flashy cars expensive jewelery, and the attractive opposite sex has some effect on our mood. This has got to be a good thing, and should be considered so. Without entertainment to entertain us there would be nothing but the precise clockwork to which we accustom our bodies to. With the ability to be politically correct being an exhibit of intellectual ability, it is slowly becoming the only way that people may act. Going against the crimes of ourselves that so many people have lived through always leaves little sympathy to those who try and fall back upon the fractured ideals of the past.

As we hang on to the cliff hangers of last weeks television series we devote out time to finding others who might theorize on just what might happen in next weeks episode. While this is a past time of a persons on choosing, looking back to reflect upon these actions might not leave a person fulfilled with how they are filling their time. Attempting to reconcile a perceived greatness in the past could be an endeavor that would eventually lead nowhere. The ability to merge the past with the present would be a better goal to work towards.

Its amazing to actually see the events that unfold on a day to day basis. People seemed to be easily influenced by the media, although occasionally it is possible to wonder if the media is in-fact doing its job at actually portraying real life. Questioning which way is up may ultimately do nothing but run someone in circles. Avoiding this type of mindset is important but seems to be unavoidable for many.

Religion

Yet again we find ourselves at this crossroad where people are determined to place their values and ideals upon us. There is seemingly no option but to accept or suffer. The choice is a one way street, and either you suffer while accept, or suffer while walking your own way. I never found religion to be appealing to the masses, yet it somehow is rather constricting. Religion is a great part of mankind where somehow people have become so entangled by it, that the very message is lost amongst the noise. Whether my own ideas about society, religion, god and the like are accepted by the masses is really irrelevant. Bound by a society of laws people have no choice but to abide or suffer. This leaves me free to roam in a ideological state of mind free of persecution. God bless America.