Money

As I read my last post I think that anyone reading it may believe that I only value money in life. Maybe further explanation is needed because upon working backwards from what I have previously stated, I do believe certain things and have opionions of my own. I do belive that other people are the ones judging man because of material posessions and find it hard to see to eye to eye with my fellow man.

Maybe judging me because I have an attitude and often carry a shitty attitude is easy. But for the most part, you as a judge are right! Cool right? Sitting in front of countless psychiatrists only to lie and show them nothing more that some general confusion, the lies about the things that take place in my head are strictly my business. Only now do I get to say that there are things that I have hidden from reality that everyone else sees only for my own "benefit." It is laughable. I am financially burdened among other "setbacks" and could hardly provide reasons as to my little life that is in desperate need of so much defense. It is sad that the world wants everyting from me, yet attempting to pry into the depths of my brain with doctors and other various forms of trickery only do nothing more than push me back further. Bottom line is I am entitled to information privacy, especially in the areas of medicine. Certain things are just never going to be rationalized or understood because whathas gone down on paper is partially true at best.

Disoriented

There are too many truths in this world. Whether they are created and made true by people, or they are universal, they are truths. Sometimes I feel as humans we are following a higher purpose or looking for something beyond the normal realm or the five senses. I don't believe many people would disagree with me. I wish that we could all agree on truths together, but somehow I believe that is a pradox.

The Force

There is an impenetrable life force behind all of us that despite the urges from our parents, society, governments, etc.; to herd us like a flock with sheep, albeit with good intentions oftentimes, sometimes for whatever reason humans resist. The urge is something that seems to be beneath any intelligence and is raw, primal.

Things are looking up

I pray to God for some sanity. Its not that the confusion with my situation has driven me over the edge and quite literally insane, its everything that makes up that confusion. If it would all just go away that would be ideal. Suicide is not an answer because getting rid of all of those problems would in essence be doing away with myself. These problems are seemingly unavoidable, yet somehow they seem to often bring upon events that nobody would ever want to deal with, especially by choice.

Now if I did in fact have a choice there would be no need to experience what is happening. Some of the the things which have happened to me occured at such a young age that I am indeed no way responsible. The consequences are a series of different, but ultimately related things that I have to deal with. Now if at some point they cease to exist and I live free, I will truly be grateful.

Until next time...

Acceptance

It is still hard to let go some of the things which still cause me pain. Even more disturbing is the fear that I sometimes feel and how getting rid of it is something that will never actually happen in full. Understanding the fear and accepting it as a part of my life has been one challenging and seemingly never ending task.

Listening

It appears that in the daily conversations that I hold with people, finding myself trying to talk over someone is a common occurrence. While it could be my pride trying to get in the way, it is not to go without being said that attempting to be a better listener in just about any conversation could be a foreseeable help at greatly reducing my stress level. People want to talk to me, and even when I "have something to say," I guess it would just be better to shut up and listen.

Credit

There seems to be a large number of people who are taking credit of creative works that are in part largely produced by someone else. This type of trickery is degeading art to a level of a well managed company. Some of the most successful and well known "works" seem to be manipulations of a team of people with one person receiving a majority of the credit.

Mean Streak

Sometimes it sure feels like I am the moat rotten thing on this earth. While I could name several more people who deserve such a title, I do believe that by merely passing judgement I am still only further entrenching myself in this dark state of mind. It must be noted that in this place there is truly no way to see the most faint recognition of light at the end of the tunnel.

Brainwashing, not the paranoid kind.

I seriously feel like I have been brainwashed. The drug use, abuse, condemnation, and everything else that I have dealt with is leaving me feeling once again hopeless and looking for something that is getting to be impossible to find. Now there are many people who may or may not have experienced the same things as I, but what is likely to happen always seems to be some terrible tragedy that I have absolutely no control over. In the event of one of these situations that I have, or may find myself in, there will be even more reasons to doubt my present status.

I can only assume that the only way to describe this in layman’s term as if a person were taking a test where every answer is the right answer. The test would be pointless to almost any logical, clear thinking person. Upon this revelation, one can only see that the world is filled with more people who are at the opposite end of the spectrum. This is a scary thought and even more disturbing then the very situation that I am finding myself in.

Given the amount of time, energy, obsession, and whatever other chunk of mind which has been expended in figuring out this mess only to find myself just as, or more confused, then the beginning has now created a substantial amount of fear in my life. This fear which is now present has little to do with what is considered the real important things in my life, yet somehow I do believe that it has everything to do with those things. I realize that no one single person is going to give me answer that is going to be satisfying. Yet I do realize that when any significant knowledge is passed to me, it seems to do nothing but be a source for more debate and controversy.

Love

I used to believe in love. As a matter of fact I still do. But marriage has shown me something different. What was something I thought I should do is now no longer even important and I feel foolish for ever having beliefs and values in the first place. Love has done nothing but made me look like a fool.

The Rich

We are stuck in a world bound by laws and other unforgiving creations that hold people back from living whatever lives that they had. I'm sure it would be nice to grow up in that top one percent. I grew up middle class and often scoff at the differences that I see now that I am living in areas with cheaper average real estate values. It's funny how I can feel guilty for thinking a certain way, as it's as if I am aware of my own snobbery.

Remember

Every once in a while I remember why I do some of the things I do, and have done some of the things that I have done. The feeling associated with these memories is so strong that it contradicts me feeling low so much that I feel foolish. It is a really strange occurrence that makes perfect sense to me.